Lessons from my first year

On the eve of my second first day of school I pulled out my journal from last year. It has only one entry, which I wanted to share. It is me in an extremelt vulnerable, anxious, and distraught place (I know...on the first day of school?!). I wanted to share it because I remember thinking "how will things get better?" They weren't always better, but they weren't always bad. I wanted the first years out there to know they are not alone and remind the seasoned professionals the same. I enter my second year tomorrow and I am having PTSD-lile flashbacks. I am optimistic for the best and prepared for the not so great.

August 29, 2013

First day of school. Excited. Confident. Long to do list to get prepared.

8:00 Starbucks--There's always time
8:30 Greet as many teachers as I can and wish them a great first day. Positive climate and relationships.
9:00 up to your eyeballs in kindergartners.

By 10 you're working 1:1 to alleviate behavioral aggression. PE teacher was hit. Principal too.

Mimicker arises. Almost worse by the end of the day. Running after a bolter. Trying to grasp what comes next.

Meet parents who were "waiting for the call." Feels like meeting is happening around me. To do list grows. Social stories. Token boards. PPT in two days. SPED laws you don't know yet. You barely know your caseload.

Stressed. Overwhelmed. Defeated. 

What do I so? Do I really know anything? In over my head. How do I ask for help without seeming incompetent? 

Schedule 15+ meetings. 2 initial evals. All by the end of September. 

In over my head. 
Sob at home. Sob in shower.
Anxiety attack.
Negative self talk.
Easily irritated.
Need space.

Stressed about tomorrow. What do I do first?

Exhausted and only mildly hopeful...

This journal entry sums up what it felt like to be me on that first day. I didn't want to go back but I did. The tears didn't end there. The anxiety didn't subside until summer. Kids came and went. Others flared up. Its all part of our job. Tomorrow new kids will arrive and I may not be any more ready for it than last year. That's okay. I will do my best. 

I never wrote any more in my journal. I decided to challenge myself this year and write one positive each (school) day to try and help me reframe the bad days and celebrate the good. My first entry is tonight. It involves a tough kiddo who I spoke to today. I called dad to share a major curveball for tomorrow. Dad put the student on to say hi, which shocked me. He said he had lots of his original comic book stories to tell me (94 to be exact) and said he had just done the ice bucket challenge! I was shocked that he even got on the phone period, but to share two things (and subconsciously indicate he was excited to see me) is major step! I hope it lasts, but recognize his current affections are fleeting. But for today it is my positive and I'm excited to see what other moments I appreciate along the way. 

Until next thyme, 
Erika

Things You Learn Your First Year Teaching

Great video Buzzfeed. Great points to remember during my lowest lows. 

Until next thyme,

Erika

Bibliotherapy

As a first year school psychologist I had a lot to prep over the summer in order to be ready to go for the first day of school. (see "First Year Office").

One area I found that needed "beefing up" was my library, especially because my school's focus (or student learning objective 1 aka SLO 1) for teacher evaluations was on improving reading comprehension. I needed to find a way, as a school psychologist, to improve the skill areas needed for reading comprehension, such as answering "What" questions, making predictions, and understanding character thoughts and feelings. In order to address student needs based on their IEPs AND  find a way to improve reading comprehension with a small cohort of students, I decided to use bibiliotherapy as my vehicle. 

However, I had zero funds to develop a library of books to target the varying grade levels and skills levels of this cohort of students. I spent time perusing the district elementary school's library catalogs and local libraries to find the books I needed. However, options were limited. It was also difficult to track down a book and have to complete a lesson by its due date. I found myself renewing books constantly in an attempt to squeeze lessons in. Don't get me started on finding books that are tailored for specific populations, such as "Whole Body Listening Larry!" 

Then, as though a message from the school psych gods, I received an email for a grant application offered in my district. I used this as an opportunity to get what I needed for my students. I applied for $350 to purchase materials in order to improve students social-emotional competencies using text. Within my proposal I outlined my spending for half of the monies I was asking for. I figured that I should ask for more than I needed for immediate use in order to support any areas that pop up during the school year. 

Right before Christmas break, I learned I had been awarded money for my grant proposal! And, to my surprise, I was awarded my amount in full: all $350! In preparation for this moment I had begun hoarding book titles on a Pinterest board. I also found the blog Books that Heal Kids to be extremely helpful. She has great descriptions of the books and what she likes about them. I spent some time picking and choosing the ones I was most interested in and that were most relevant to my students. I also strove to link books to our Mood Meter and other RULER anchors. 

Needless to say, I had such a fun time loading up my Amazon cart! Before I knew it I was close to my $350! I decided to save items for another purchase order if I didn't need them immediately, or if I knew our school library had them. I spent approximately $250 and have a few other books to buy on specialized sites, like www. socialthinking.com.

So, without further ado, I present my new bibliotherapeutic library!

• Crankenstein (Berger, Samantha)

• Double Dip Feelings: Stories to Help Kids Understand Emotions (Cain, Barbara)

• This Morning Sam Went to Mars: The Book About Paying Attention (Carlson, Nancy)

• My Mouth is a Volcano (Cook, Julia)
• My Mouth is a Volcano: Activity and Idea Book

• Personal Space Camp (Cook, Julia)
• Personal Space Camp: Activity and Idea Book

• Soda Pop Head (Cook, Julia)
• Soda Pop Head: Activity and Idea Book

• Its Hard to Be a Verb! (Cook, Julia)
• Its Hard to Be a Verb: Activity and Idea Book

• Making Friends is an Art (Cook, Julia)

• Teamwork Isn't My Thing, and I Don't Like to Share! (Cook, Julia)

• Wilma Jean and the Worry Machine (Cook, Julia)

• Your Fantastic Elastic Brain! (Deak, Joann)

• Llama Llama and the Bully Goat (Dewdney, Anna)

• Mrs. Gorski, I Think I Have the Wiggle Fidgets (Esham, Barbara)

• How Do You Doodle (Gravel, Elise)

• Zach Gets Frustrated (Mulcahy, William)
• Zach Apologizes (Mulcahy, William)

• The Rainbow Book (Ohrt, Kelly)

• Stand in My Shoes: Kids Learning About Empathy (Sornson, Bob)

• Happy (Van Hout, Mies)

• The Grouchies (Wagenbach, Kelly)

• Kindergators: Hands Off, Harry! (Wells, Rosemary)

Until next thyme,

Erika

First Year Reflection

My poor blog has been neglected for far too long. As has my Twitter. As has my personal life. As has my gym membership. Le sigh.

I had imagined that I would be blogging up a storm in my first year. Passing on my words of wisdom if you will. Well that didn’t happen the way I planned.

The truth is I felt as though I had no words of wisdom to pass onto you. I was (and still am) treading water so I don’t drown (completely). My first year has been one obstacle after another and I have barely been able to keep it together. I have cried (and laughed, I promise!). I have had long days and longer nights. I dream about kids and the mountains of paperwork and the kids I don’t get to that I should. I worry about going to “PPT jail” for mistakes I may or may not have made. This learning curve was far steeper than I ever imagined it would or could be. Overtime, I have learned to be okay with that. I like learning; I really do. But…if I could have had a little bit more time to settle into my school and role, I would have been far happier and confident. Don’t you wish there was a pause button on life!

At the end of this past summer I was interviewed by my alma mater about my experience in the program and how it prepared me for my first job. I had forgotten about the interview until the photographer emailed me to set up a chance to get some “action shots.” Well, seeing as I was 2 hours away from Boston, we agreed to meet on an upcoming visit home and take photos outside a local school. After this encounter I, again, forgot about the article until one day a friend texted me a photo of myself on a mailer for my program. I immediately emailed the women who had contacted me from the start and managed to get my hands on the article and additional mailers I was featured on (scroll approximately halfway down in the link). 

As I read the article, I couldn’t help but wonder who the young woman was that was describing her experience. It sure wasn’t me. She was far too confident. Far too sure of herself. It couldn’t have been me.

Well, it was. Before I had any real experience, I thought I could conquer the world. I had it all under control and I was going to make a difference! Little did I know that my daily life would be paperwork, meetings, and little interactions with students. I felt sad that my “dreams” of what a school psychologist did were slipping away.

Rest assured, I KNOW I am all of those things. I KNOW I can make a difference and do every day. You forget this until you have someone remind you of it or you have a success story to share. There is always a challenge, always copies to make, always a crisis to handle. There are pressures and stressors that I never imagined, including teacher evaluations, which are an added weight to my already heavy load. (I have trouble understanding how I can be evaluated on my work with children when I rarely get to work with children. But that is a conversation for another day!).

This post is not meant to be a sad and depressing one, but rather a vulnerable account of a reality check I have had this year (well, I guess it is kind of sad/depressing #debbiedowner). Things are not always the way we imagine them. We are dealt a deck of cards and we need to figure out how to best organize and triage and service needs. I want to be in the classrooms more. I want to work with kids far more often than I am. However, that is not my first year. I can only do the best that I can do. I am setting too high of expectations for anyone to attain so early in their career (or maybe ever!). I cannot be my version of the perfect school psychologist, but I can be someone else’s version. Instead, I will be my “best self each and every day” (taken directly from our school pledge!). This year is a learning year; to figure out the moving parts. Next year I will conquer something different and so on for years to come.

I want this post to serve as a reminder for all of us, the newbies and the seasoned professionals, that we are always learning and adapting. We must push ourselves every day, but understand that we can only do so much. At times (or most times) our job feels like it is an impossible task for one individual. In response, I challenge you to advocate for what you need, seek supervision, and remember your best you! I have to remind myself this daily, especially the part about asking for help J. I really love having the backing of all my school psychs from near and far to be supportive of and support me. I can now see that I retreated when I needed them most. I hope you all can forgive me…pretty please!

Now that I've dragged you down, time to pump you up! 

http://positivepetunia.blogspot.com/2013/04/dont-compare-your-chapter-oneto-someone.html

http://www.technologyrocksseriously.com/p/school-signs.html

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Until next thyme,

Erika